Why Trump’s accusers didn’t come forward sooner

I’m an average middle-aged woman… average looks, average build, above-average intelligence, talent, and competence. I don’t know what the national average is for women who have been degraded and inappropriately toyed with in the workplace, but I can speak from my own experience. It’s happened to me at least three times that I can clearly remember.

Yes, I’ve been fired from a job I loved because I spoke out about inappropriate behavior towards me by the president of a company for which I worked. What he did would not be considered harassment and it was not illegal, but it made me uncomfortable. It made me not want to be in a room alone with him. In retrospect, I regret explaining to my immediate supervisor why I stopped having one-on-one meetings with the boss. The company offered me two months salary when they let me go, but only if I would sign an agreement not to say anything negative about the company. Of course I signed the agreement. I was losing my job and I needed the money.

That’s why we don’t speak up. We know that if it’s our word against his, we will never win. Men in power know that working women can’t usually afford to lose their jobs, so we rarely speak up. We just shake our heads and walk away disgusted, while we look for another job or a way to get out of the situation. Not everyone has the luxury of just walking away from a paycheck.

I’m proud of Trump’s victims coming forward. I understand why they waited. There is strength in numbers. Women’s stories are being validated and perhaps our collective self esteem will be healed from talking about what we’ve had to endure.

Donald Trump, your attitude towards women and the way you’ve treated them is not okay. You are a lousy role model for our sons and brothers. Instead of taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing, you accuse your victims of lying. Just  sit down and shut the fuck up. Or change.

 

She Let Go

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

~ Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science

I get it. That’s what this story is all about, and also the song at the end of this story: Room For You

 

How to recognize (and avoid) a womanizer

My girlfriend asked me recently, “Why would I fall for a man who is a womanizer… again?” Gullible, that’s why.
And optimistic. But we’re getting smarter….

A womanizer is a man who likes to have multiple women that he flirts with, easily slipping into duplicity. The difference between a womanizer and a normal gregarious single guy is that the womanizer keeps his flirtations a secret, while the normal guy is open about his other female friends. A womanizer lies easily. A normal guy doesn’t lie as easily and has more integrity.

A womanizer will tell a woman whatever he thinks she wants to hear, whether he is sincere or not. He wants her to like him, at the cost of being real. If the woman is vulnerable to flattery, then she believes him because she wants to believe him. A womanizer is usually a practiced charmer. He can spot a lonely woman a mile away.

Here is how a womanizer’s brain works: (This conversation actually took place.)

A womanizer friend of mine denied he was in love with a woman when he opened his emails to her with “Hi Sweetie” and signed them off with “I love you.” “But I’m not in love with her,” he insisted. “She means nothing to me.” I asked him why on earth he would tell a woman he loved her if he did not love her. Didn’t he think this was misleading? He shrugged it off. He said “I love you” is an ambiguous phrase… it doesn’t mean anything, he said.

When a womanizer is going for the blow job, or the financial hand-out, he will tell her anything he thinks might work.

Another aspect of the womanizer is that he can quickly turn cold, and will drop a flirtation like a hot potato if the woman catches on to his duplicity. He will accuse her of being a nut case and of liking him way more than he likes her. He has no remorse. He didn’t really care that much for her anyway. Besides, he has back-ups… always.

Can a womanizer be cured? Lots of women think they will be the one to cure a womanizer they love. It depends first on whether or not the womanizer himself wants to grow up and get real. So if you find yourself attracted to a womanizer, consider his age. If he’s over 35, he’s not likely to change. Don’t believe him. You can have fun with him, but know that you will never really be able to know if he’s being real, or just telling you what he thinks you want to hear, to get what he wants. It’s okay to roll your eyes at him. He deserves it.

So how do we avoid attracting and being attracted to a womanizer? Get your self esteem from within and above. Don’t look for validation that you are beautiful and desirable outside of yourself.  If you see a man who is attractive & charming but your radar sends up red flags, trust your instincts and just be amused and entertained. Be glad you don’t fall for that anymore. And be grateful that this time you’re not going to waste your precious time and energy chasing what isn’t real.

A New Survey….

… from internet security company BullGuard has determined that one out of every five guys has a separate email account hidden from his significant other. One out of five guys also keeps a secret second cell phone!

If your gut says he’s cheating….

… you’re probably right! Read “Trust Your Inner Banana”

You might also like: Tough Love Baby

How Cheaters Cheat

Here are other good articles on how to recognize a womanizer:

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_inner_workings_of_a_womanizer

http://www.socyberty.com/Men/The-Womanizer-Complex.35306

http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-06-29/10-signs-hes-a-womanizer/
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What I wrote re: Sarah Palin in 2008

Was 2008 a good year for women in politics?

Hell yes 2008 was a great break-through year for women. Hillary proved that she is equal to any male candidate (except Obama, obviously). Of course I was disappointed that she lost and of course Obama made me nervous at first. He had a different style of communicating and I didn’t always follow his line of speaking. But I really hadn’t been paying attention to him because I had been more focused on supporting Hillary.

Once I knew my choices were now limited to Obama and McCain, I started paying more attention to Obama but he still made me a little nervous because of his lack of experience and I thought McCain was one of the more honorable Republicans. So I could probably have been swayed to vote Republican this time. My mind was open and I started paying more attention and doing more research on both of the choices available.

When I heard the announcement that Obama had chosen Joe Biden as a running mate, I said wow! What a smart decision. That eased my mind, and Obama earned huge points in my book because Joe Biden had good solid experience and I liked him.

Then McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate and, as an open-minded feminist, I was offended. “How transparent can he get? How dumb does he think we are?” were the questions my women friends were asking one another. (And not all my friends supported Hillary!)

He might have redeemed himself if he had decisively replaced Palin when he realized he had made a mistake. But McCain continued to defend his choice, saying “I’m very proud of her,” as if she were a child. It was apparent that he did not consider her his peer. His patronizing attitude towards her was obvious. (Why weren’t feminists talking about this?)

Sarah Palin has done a great job of helping the advancement of women in politics because all sides have learned so much from this huge Republican blunder.

I came to believe that Barack Obama was the smarter candidate in 2008. I thought he would make better decisions than McCain would about who he would surround himself with. After all, besides his smart choice for running mate, look at who he chose for a life mate. Very smart. I believe that Michelle is one of Obama’s best political assets, just like Hillary remains one of Bill’s.

I say: Hillary in 2016. But be prepared to replace Obama in ’12 just in case he doesn’t do what he says he’s gonna do. Of course 2008 was a great year for women! We have proven that we don’t vote for a woman just because she’s a woman. We vote for a woman because she’s the best candidate for the job.

And Sarah Palin was not ready to step into the national arena. She blew her chance. A veteran recording star once advised me (after listening to my raw demo): “Do not make the mistake of getting into the spotlight before you’re ready because you only get one first chance. If you’re not ready, you’ll blow it because you won’t get another shot.”

Sarah Palin should have waited until she was ready. Now we know she puts personal ambition ahead of the good of her country and political party. Now we know she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Now we know we can’t trust her to go the distance.

But thank you, Sarah Palin, for inspiring this conversation, and for helping to accelerate the women’s movement forward. Thank you for helping many undecided voters make their decision more easily in 2008.

  Related: Dear Mr. Romney

Confessions of a Recovering Angry Feminist

Yes, I admit I am a recovering angry feminist.

I still abhor the patriarchal values that perpetuate a fear-based society, where money buys power and bullies rule.

I still get livid when a woman or child is abused — physically, mentally, or spiritually.

But I have changed my thinking in one major way…

During the 70s and 80s I worked very hard to prove that I could make it in a man’s world. I worked my way up in a nontraditional job in a piping construction firm — from clerical worker to project manager — and learned to wear a hard hat and read a blueprint.

Then I went into my own business. First I went into publishing, which evolved into graphics and printing. I negotiated contracts, raised working capital, and had power lunches with bankers, lawyers, and CEOs. I became a successful, prominent business woman who was often profiled in the press as a role model and a leader.

A big part of my mission was to help pave the way for other aspiring business women. I was a charter member and active leader in the local Women Business Owners Association and I organized a roundtable discussion group of successful business women. We learned how to network and make things happen alongside the good ol’  boys of the Cleveland business community.

We were the women who learned to compete and win in the male-dominated competitive and greed-driven business world. We (or most of us) had become part of the system. Right around the time that George Bush Sr. dropped the first bomb on Iraq… I realized that I no longer wanted to be part of that system. I felt something like ashamed.

That moment of epiphany was the beginning of the decision to leave the business world and become the artist and writer that I was born to be. I did not like what I would have had to become in order to go to the next level of success in business. I did not like playing by the rules that were invented by men in suits. I announced my decision to my friends in my business women’s roundtable and I had their full support.

As I began the process of easing out of business, I gained a new appreciation for what men have been accomplishing for so many centuries. As I slowed down, the numbness caused by the continual onslaught of adrenalin began to subside, and I started to realize how bone-weary I was. I ached from head to toe. My brain was worn out.

I remember thinking, “Men can have this. Running a business is for the birds.” I reflected on all the giant things that men have accomplished… building the railroads, building the bridges, inventing commerce, etc. This is way too much work and you really do need broader shoulders than I have or want.

I just wanted out of the game. It did not feel like defeat, it felt like liberation.

I am still a feminist. That is, I will always work for equal rights for women and girls. Thankfully, there’s not nearly as much work to do now as there was when I was starting out in business. But I am no longer an angry feminist.

I feel compassion for men, not anger. My mission has changed from “making it in a man’s world” to “changing the way we look at the world.” I have many male friends who share the same vision. Men are not our enemy. They are our brothers. The enemy is the patriarchal system, created before our grandparents’ time. The enemy is corporate greed, that holds so many of our men (and women) hostage.

We allow ourselves to look the other way and become numb so that we can provide a certain expected lifestyle for our families. Well, that’s a short-sighted sell-out because we lose our integrity in the process. We lose our health, our peace of mind, our self-respect, and ultimately our souls.

We need to participate more as conscious citizens who can think for ourselves and make up our own minds, instead of coasting along like passive consumers, most of whom are also self-medicating themselves just to be able to withstand the insanity.

As citizens, we need to stay vigilant to keep informed about what the prevailing game is, and to know the rules. If we don’t like the game, we don’t have to play. We can help invent a new game where the object is not necessarily to win — the object is to keep the game going. We need to revisit the rules every so often, so that we can change the rules when they no longer serve our highest collective good.

Yes, the angry feminist has mellowed. Now I am a spiritual activist. I don’t think we can change the world… but I think we can change our hearts. And so my work is to reach peoples’ hearts through my music and my writing and my art. Yes, I believe we can change the world by changing our hearts, one heart at a time. This is about as feminist and feminine as you can get, I think.

 

Related: On the Strategy of the Dolphin

Related: On Spiritual Activism